First year of college

I finished my freshman year of college 2 weeks ago, ending it the way I started it. Getting sick and having a 101 F fever. That marked the 5th time I've gotten sick in around 8 months of college. Last week, my grades came out. I'm happy to say my effort paid off and my grades are good right now. 

In this blog from 4 months ago, I wrote about not fitting in and not having energy for anything. Much of that sentiment stayed the same. I remember hearing "try to stay in your dorm as little as you can" from some silly instagram post before my first semester, so for my first semester I forced myself to be in the library and events I really just didn't want to go to or do. On my second semester, I stayed in my dorm a lot more, which I think was better for me. Because I got to relax and be more comfortable. I really only spent energy on stuff I cared about or wanted to do, like a robotics club and also the smash club that hosts tournaments (though that was way later down the line). 

I think I gave up on trying so hard and was ok being in solitude. I deleted all my socials a quarter way into the semester. I was tired of a lot of things and one of those was people posting their fake lives with their fake friends and fake groups with fake personalities. My resentment was growing, so I just deleted it to get away from it. In the months following, I was definitely way more calm. It didn't solve all my problems but it was a good change. 

I think I was pretty "locked in" in certain ways. I was pretty consistent with piano practice, and someone I know helped me with a gym routine. I began going to the gym 3 times a week to take care of my physical health. Every one yells at me to gain weight (including my gymrat friends), gain muscle, but honestly, I don't give a crap about that. It actually kind of annoys me. I'm at a healthy weight, even if it's at the lower side. It just annoys me everyone has a picture of what a man should look like, especially with the 2020s explosions in gym content. Going to the gym is great, but not every guy wants to pursue bodybuilding. Focusing on being healthy, getting stronger, and being more athletic is my goal. And mogging xd

Though something I have to complain about is when I need to talk to people at the gym. I always went to the gym alone, and when it was packed I HATED it because I would need to talk to people and ask to "work in" with them, or share equipment. I really did not want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to blast music at max volume and do what I want and leave. Our college gym is pretty small too so this happened often. 

I was being more of a delinquent, skipping a LOT of class (I'm a smart skipper though, I only skip when I know it won't affect me), and someone I met was honestly a stoner and got me to try stuff. It's ok because he respected my boundaries and never pushed me to try anything. I tried smoking weed for the first couple times. I tried it, but I couldn't get high. It was only until I tried edibles I got it, but I didn't have a good trip at all because I was sick during it. I also tried nicotine, hated it, and will probably never do it again. I still like drinking alc over anything else, but I reserve drinking for special occasions. Some of the people I met, goodness they were gone. Hitting the vape like every 20 seconds, telling me they get withdrawal symptoms. 

With the exception of these stoner friends who I didn't hang out with all that much, I really hated social interaction at all. Even when someone I loosely knew said Hi and had some small talk, I wanted to leave within 10 seconds. I couldn't help but hate how fake it all was, and I struggled to even remember peoples names. My social anxiety got to an all time high because sometimes I would see someone I talked to in class walking around and I had no idea if I should say hi or not so I either pretended to not see them or just looked down so I literally did not see them. 

I hate hate hate being perceived. Especially when I'm walking around trying to get to class and someone, or a group of someones, pauses to look me up and down and just think unwarranted thoughts about me. I'm not that important, and psychology says my mind is just extending that millisecond glance into multiple seconds. I don't care though. Stop looking at me. Stop thinking about me. I do not want your thoughts about me. Why do you care? Am I strange enough to look at? Keep talking with your friends.

A new pastime for me now is to watch Vtubers. Streamers always felt boring to me, I don't understand people who watch Kai Cenat or HasanAbi for hours on end. But a few too many youtube compilations and now I put on a fuwamoco stream in the background while I do something. I was always dissuaded from Vtubers because there's this guy I knew from middle school who was super cringe about them. Posted like NSFW fanart on his instagram close friends story. This is the part where I'd say they aren't like that. But reading through youtube comment sections, lurking in some reddit posts, yeah these guys are fucking weirdos lmao. Unfortunately, I'm a rare fan who knows they all play a character, and I'm not a retard who believes that the streamer loves me. There's actually a term for that kind of vtuber fan I learned, it's called "unicorn." 

For me, watching hololive is very comforting. It melts away a lot of my stress even if it's just for a little bit. I like watching it like it's a reality TV show, minus the drama and cancer. Some people care so much about their personal lives. I couldn't care less, just seeing a bunch of people play video games and do stupid stuff together is enough. It makes me happy. I'm glad I stopped caring about being a loser. 

Once again, in previously mentioned blog from 4 months ago I said I didn't hate my roommates. And that's the truth, but it also does take another 4 months for you to get prettyy fed up with some of the things your roommates do. For one, I'm in a triple room, and my room is pretty cramped. We have a small-ish room, then the bathroom with piss poor ventilation, so a lot of times they'd take a shower (or take a shit) and the steam from the shower would make the room super stuffy. So I would always be the one to open the window,  then close it, and monitor all that stuff. We only got our bathroom cleaned once a week which is pretty crazy in my opinion. If it were any other teenage boys, that shit would be a steamy hot pile of shit. 

And it's not just the shower too. One guy was super addicted to ramen noodles to the point he was making it 4 times a week, and he would use his rice cooker for it because he had no other way to boil water. And then the room would now be steamy and now have the smell of shin ramen, so again, I was the one who was opening the window, spraying the room with Febreeze. Additionally, while one of my roommates was pretty aware about smells, the other, just wasn't. I brought to the room a lot of those plug in Febreeze so the room would never stink, but this guy bro. He'd put his sweaty clothes into a bag that he put into his closet for it to ferment. We had to tell him so many times that he should NOT do that. (Also he'd come back from a day and without washing himself just hopped into bed? I mean it's not my bed, so whatever, but I don't think I saw him wash his sheets). The main saving grace is that all of us were chinks and chinks don't have the worst BO, though it can absolutely get really bad. 

That wraps it up for this blog entry at least. 
Bye 

I've been killing slimes for 300 years...

 

Link back to manga page: https://hym.neocities.org/more/manga# 

Synopsis 

You know, of the all the isekai anime/manga I've had the displeasure of watching, two of my favorites have slime in the title.

I've Been Killing Slimes for 300 Years and Maxed Out My Level! starts pretty typical. An overworked office lady in Japan, Azusa Aizawa, DIES and is reincarnated as an immortal witch. Hmmm... where have we heard this plot before? But all she wants to do is relax and live a cozy peaceful life without working. She has no problems doing this, facing no hardships in her life. Azusa kills 20 slimes everyday for 300 years until she discovers shes the max level, super overpowered, and one shots dragons. All the sudden, people start showing up to her doorstep after hearing how powerful she is. One is a dragon, another an elf, and then two children that claim they are her daughters who were born as slime spirits from all the slimes Azusa killed over the years. Her family keeps on growing.

Despite being a generic isekai, it's instantly is on my good side for being a yuri-bait and having the main character be a girl. It's the purest form of yuri-bait. The best blueprint for yuri bait. What do I mean by yuri bait? Well Azusa keeps growing her family, taking new girls under her wing like a mother. It's heavily implied that Laika, one of the first characters that shows up and joins Azusa's family is very in love with her. We don't get to see any developments in any romantic relationships very often, the author kind of just implies to us that "These girls live together and are practically married and everyone else in the house they live in are their children"

Likes and Dislikes

As I've already said, I love the comfyness of this. Everyone likes comfy, cozy stuff because of how unproblematic it is. It's a simple blueprint. Azusa goes on adventures after sticking to herself for 300 years. She's super overpowered, so typical isekai challenges like strong monsters and boss battles are not a problem. There's very little conflict in this world, the demons and humans are best friends to the point some of the strongest demons are best friends with Azusa and also part of her yuri family. The story focuses way more on the characters and their quirks and world-building. If I have to hand something to every isekai author out there, its that despite literally using the same blueprint of (You die in japan and get born in medieval magic RPG world) it's cool to see the kinds of twists they put on the worlds they create. The characters are somehow really memorable, because they all have their own stories and reasons for staying with Azusa. The fact that the main character is a women literally makes this series 10x better than if the main character was a guy. If the main character was a guy, it would be a standard harem and be really, really, really fucking boring. But since we get Azusa instead, we get to see how she treats everyone in her adoptive family well, whether it be making snacks for her daughters or solving her (wife) Laika's red dragon and blue dragon conflict. 

Like how it's hard to be problematic with cozy anime, it's also really hard to.. do anything. You can't create conflict without ruining the vibe. Most conflicts and plot points in the story only exist for new characters to be created, and then basically be taken under Azusa's adoptive wing. And only so many characters can be created without it getting boring. As of following the manga for 4 years, and watching both seasons of the anime. I haven't gotten bored, but I'm not exactly remembering every character by heart either. Usually, I only remember characters when they show back up in a chapter and I think to myself, "ohhh, I slightly remember that girl's existence!" Yet to most of the target audience, none of this is THAT much of a problem. But you want to know what's a problem?

Isekai mangaka have an obsession with food. It's honestly annoying. So many times, these mangaka spend entire chapters just letting their characters chase ingredients and cook food that subtlety resembles Japanese dishes, just so they can feed the isekai world people the food and then they have a food wars "ouhhh, ahhh, I've never tasted something this good before!" moment. If you have zero idea what I'm talking about, I'll lay out how this always plays out. 

    Main character: "This world's food is good, but I really want to eat rice!!!"

    Conveniently shaped rice paddy suddenly appears

    Main character: "Great, but now I want curry!"

    Conveniently created character that just so happens to be from a nation that closely resembles Japan provides MC with curry

    Main character: "Perfect, now I need katsu, but this world has no pigs!"

    Convenient pig replacement exists

    Main character: "Great! Who wants to try this katsu curry that doesn't exist in this world"

    Everyone: "ohmygodthistastesogoodyouresotalentedatcooking"

 I don't even hate these food scenes that much, but they just appear so often it's kind of annoying. The author has the opportunity to showcase some food that could only exist in a magical world like rainbow meat or something like that, but they always default to Japanese food that everyone around them glazes to no avail. 

Final rating: 8/10. It's hard to give a bad rating to something so cute.  

Manga review: Gal Oshi JK wa Gal ni Naritai

Link back to manga page: https://hym.neocities.org/more/manga#

Gal oshi JK is a very brief 1 volume yuri that I started following last year. It’s a very lighthearted manga that is mainly about a Gal/gyaru who is a “gal otaku.” Meaning she really loves gals and gyarus, to the point she’s an otaku ABOUT gals. (Mangas really like to stretch the definition of gyaru, because I personally would barely classify Yuuhi as a gal, but that’s for another time) Mimiru (main character) goes through a high school debut, studying up on fashion and makeup to look like a gyaru in high school. In high school, she makes friends with other gyarus, joining a friend group of gyarus. She meets Yuuhi, who’s a tall “cool” type who doesn’t show much emotion, but she’s always thinking “Mimiru’s so cute” in her head. They basically love each other.

The art is beautiful, and I’m a sucker for any kind of school slice of life yuri. But the pacing is very slow, and the ending is incredibly boring. Spoilers here, but we didn’t get a kiss, or anything official as a matter of fact. The way it was paced, I’d assume the author wanted to write another 3 volumes, but it randomly ends at 1. The main assumption for why it ended so quickly is that the author probably got bored. It was a web comic, so it likely didn’t get axed in the traditional way, but just didn’t get enough attention that the author wanted. A mangadex commenter put it best: 

Final rating: 6/10

Still cute, lighthearted, amazing art, if it didn’t have those it would be a 4/10. The main issues in my opinion is the lack of gyaru/gal knowledge and of course the ending. 

My first Smash tourney

Oh my god! Suddenly nearly another month has passed before my last entry

Today I went to my first Smash tournament. I would barely count it as a real tournament though, because it was just my universities club setting up a tourney for Smash Melee and Smash Ultimate. Even though I knew it wasn't really a big deal, I was still pretty nervous because of the.. social interaction. I think it's time for me to admit to myself that I am very introverted. People get misconstrued that introverts are just people who hate talking to anyone and prefer being quiet 100% of the time. But that isn't the case. Actually introverts can love talking to people, having friends, and be in social events. For me, I always get nervous because I'm scared of being around people I don't know and being awkward. 

Background: I met some of the people earlier this week from another event I went to. It was for Smash Melee, I had to swallow my awkwardness and force myself to go because I really really wanted to play Melee with a gamecube controller on a CRT. I don't have a gamecube controller, adapter, or even Wii to play Melee on my own so this was the only opportunity I could get. It was so worth it because I had a bunch of fun AND I got the peak experience of the "gaming room" which is a room on campus the smash club uses in the basement of one of the main buildings. It looked like it was straight out of 00s (probably because it's a neglected room the university doesnt give a shit about). and Yes the people in the club did pass the smell check, which I am very glad about. I told them it was my first time playing Melee and I wanted to play jigglypuff because I like Hbox and I play jigglypuff in Ultimate. One of the guys was excited because "No one else wants to play puff even though she's so good and cool, so I'll teach you." 

Fast forward to today, I was pretty scared walking in but the people who I met called out to me instantly so I felt more comfortable after that. I kind of awkwardly sat behind the guys playing Ultimate, waiting for my set, until people started striking up conversations with me. Of course, like most clubs in college clubs are already friend groups where it's hard to interfere (looking at you asian culture clubs), but unlike gatekeepy, cliquey clubs I think the people here were very happy to see a new person show up and want to talk and play some games. Anyways, about my sets, in Ultimate unsurprisingly I went 0-2 round 1 0-2 losers, that is not surprising to me. I played Game and Watch round 1 and we went random in losers to troll. (all the really good players were going random because apparently they were partying too late and got no sleep and didn't want to play hard). But very surprisingly in melee, I actually went 1-2 round 1 and 0-2 losers. I won round 1 against another jigglypuff where I landed 2 rests in the first game. It was very hype, but then I lost the two other games (albeit pretty close, we got to last stock on both). In losers bracket I lost all momentum and steam and got rolled, but that's ok with me. I ended up playing some friendlies with some ppl after and watched the bracket end to see who would win. 

I think I was just so glad to finally be able to talk to other people who just liked the same stuff I did, and also to get to play against someone else, because whenever I play smash I only play against one guy. It was refreshing to meet “real nerds” (I say this in the nicest way possible) because nowadays we just be letting ANYONE say they are a nerd but when someone with actual nerdy interests outside of valorant show up it’s cringe and stuff. I’m gonna be entering another tournament on Weds, I’ll keep updated! 

(Minecraft drama!) thoughts and journalling part 2

 View part one here: https://ahaehym.blogspot.com/2026/03/recent-thoughts-and-journalling.html

There is more gaming drama, and this time it comes from my home turf of Minecraft! I have long since retired from Minecraft PVP. I played from 2016 to 2021, and I primarily played on the 1.8 version (still superior in my eyes). But for a long time now, PvP has moved from 1.8 to the more recent versions. Because the entire PvP community was built on 1.8, 1.9/modern version players have created their own community. Nowadays it’s way bigger than the 1.8 PvP community I used to play in. I like to watch the “new” wave of MCYTbers (the wave after dreamSMP) and they have massive channels: average around 1 mil subs. 

There was a server called MCtiers that popped up as the prime PVP server and where you got your skill level tested, from what I know it didn’t even use an elo system, it was based on what OTHER players thought your skill level was (wtf is this bullshit lmao). So you would fight a “tester”, they would evaluate how they thought u did and give you a rating/rank. The top player was a person named “Marlowww” she was also the server owner I believe. She dominated all of categories and was considered the best Pvper..

Anyways, Marlowww was a cheater who used many hacked clients, and was exposed to have not even been a girl and was catfishing. This was huge news because Marlow using their high status in the community would keep people silent by banning, rallying their fans, to silence other creators. The part where Marlow pretends to be a girl is important (and really funny!) because players within the community have BEEN suspicious of Marlow, but people would chalk up any criticism as sexism and jealousy. And I won’t even lie that the Minecraft pvp scene is like 90% guys. Now this is absolutely awful for women in gaming. So far in 2026, we have had the Kingsman situation in marvel rivals, now the Marlow situation: both events basically set women in gaming back 50 years. Now if there’s a good Minecraft pvper who happens to be a girl, people are gonna assume she’s hacking, or that she’s a guy… 

Now to my thoughts and what I found the craziest: so apparently Marlow was previously known as “DangerMario” some kid known for griefing in Minecraft spaces. He realized he could use his high pitched voice to pretend to be a girl, gain some legitimacy, and create this Marlow persona. The FUNNIEST part is someone said DangerMario’s balls dropped during the 4-5 year activity of the Marlow persona, so he couldn’t fake his voice anymore, so he used an AI voice changer! If you go to the  most recent Marlow videos where he responds to the allegations, you can hear the voice changer, it’s SO OBVIOUS! How did people not immediately realize! This is why the 1.8 community was better (it’s not) 

So someone got Marlow in a call and asked them to sing “do re mi fa so la ti do” and Marlow couldn’t because the AI would so obviously fuck it up, so he pretended his electricity cut out… at this point it was cooked, now the memes of “Marlow vs do re mi” were spreading. I think the worst part is a lot of girls actually did look up to Marlow, it must suck for them. But this is why Minecraft PVP is a curse. Technoblade is our king of PVP and the only one we could trust. 

I haven't told people but I have been taking Japanese in school for the past 3 months and I think I will be sticking with learning it independently for a while. I've been grinding Anki and hope to take it seriously. There is many reasons why I don't exactly tell people though, because of the connotations... the weeb "I'm gonna move to japan when I turn 18" people, the "Japan is living in the year 3000", and the nature of the people who learn japanese and feel the need to flaunt it. But moving on to my class, I really like my teacher. My class is very small, 7 people in total actually. It helps gives a lot of opportunity to speak, my teacher does many turn and talk speaking activities. And surprisingly, the people in my class are super cool too! I think this is mainly due to the fact the class I am taking is a more mellow class, and people in my class are seniors, graduate students, people who want to learn but are very busy outside of class. But there is one guy who I find interesting. 

He a tubby guy who looks rather old, but apparently he’s a freshman. Compared to the masters student in my class, he looks 10 years older lmao. Maybe he is older because he entered college at later date. Anyways, he talks a lot about anime. Sometimes my teacher will do a speaking exercise and ask us things like "What did you do this weekend?" in japanese and have us respond in Japanese to practice. He would respond with: I watched anime. My teacher is very nice, she asked him what anime? I braced myself for the answer he dropped: my dress up darling. 

Ok. I know people like my dress up darling, but it my eyes its another ecchi hetslop romcom with a teenage girl with big boobs and the main character is a mid as boy. I know that in this anime the main character is a good person and not a complete BUM like rent a girlfriend, but it doesn't matter because why would you watch that shit when you could just watch cosmic princess kaguya. anyways my teacher looked around and asked was like "wow, has anyone heard of this anime before" and I was holding back ANY sort of facial expression super hard. I basically never talk about this in real life unless it's mainstream stuff like JJK that's easy to latch into conversation. Actually I barely watch anime now, I don't know whats happening in chainsaw man, nor JJK, or spy x family or something. Im an og watching naruto when i was 8. I could tell you most the plot points from Naruto to Naruto shippuden. 

Naturally during class we would have turn and talk exercises so I do talk with him and get some pieces of the puzzle. I recall during one instance when I asked him something like "Where would you like to go to in Japan (preset question from my teacher)" he said akiharabara and that he wanted to buy anime figurines and take photos of cosplayers. Ok fair enough, im not gonna judge a book by its cover, but he REALLY does seem like the stereotype; if he's actually a pure soul i apologize deeply for my assumptions. I eavesdropped a bit in a different convo and listened to what animes he said he liked, but he dropped pretty basic ones like love is war, chainsaw man. Like I thought he might have SOME sort of ball knowledge and like maybe at least bocchi the rock or k-on? Those r pretty mainstream, but nah he not even a real one like that. As for me I silently judge everyone's taste in anime because I literally only read yuri manga and unfortunately everything I read is "niche". Not niche enough to be considered cool in actual geek circles but niche that i dont want to talk about it irl. I mean how many people irl know slow start? I wonder if he knows what Touhou is... because he looks like he would have some mediocre surface level ball but maybe he's just hiding it. Or maybe he just watches hentai. I hope the latter is not the case. I am very judgemental I hope I am wrong.

Part 3 incoming... maybe! I actually have a bunch of thoughts I just wanna ramble about 

Recent Thoughts and journalling!

 Ah! I gotta stop "disappearing." I've been very motivated on my website but not updating very often. Along with my blog as well. So many things I wanted to write about but I just forgot to actually write! It's already been a month since my last blog? Time just goes way too fast. 

Recent thoughts. I've just been taking education seriously because it serves as a good distraction and reminder of why I'm here. At the very least, I am in college to learn. It feels like a lot of people forget that college is for education. 2 weeks ago on a monday morning as I walked to my 8:00 AM class I deleted Instagram, then I deleted twitter. There was no planning for this, no performative taking a mental health break! story. I just did it because I wanted to. I didn't do it to focus on education, mental health, or anything like that. I don't even know what I did it, because Instagram was my primary messaging platform for everything. But last year ago or two years ago I wouldn't have deleted instagram at all with the same excuse of its "my primary messaging platform". To be honest, instagram being "primary messaging platform" is a lie now, because no one actually messages me directly anymore. The only messages I get are from 3 people consistently sending me reels, and group chats I am in that I do not interact with that all. I have a spam instagram acconut that I was doing what I said I would do: start using the app like how people used to use it: making random posts 1 photo square posts. But I won't be keeping up with it I guess

Well what changes did I notice? Well not much, there is probably a benefit somewhere. It does make me happy I am finally able to not always be hyper-updated in the lives of others. Particularly this one guy I absolutely hate. Oh, I just realized I could write an entire blog about this one dude I cannot stand. The gist of it is that in high school he used to be so mean to me for no reason, but in college he started to see me as "cool" so then he tried sucking up to me, and basically copying anything I did. I know this stupid guy from volleyball, and half of the reason I hate him is because he would be such a fucking dick in volleyball. Actually, I haven't played volleyball since last year, and while most of it was just losing motivation and interest, I won't lie that he made it unbearable to play because he was in my friend group. He was not great at the sport, but always wanted to give me advice, and would do it in the most annoying way possible. He would even give advice to people (way) better than him! I talking about people who won championships. 

Lastly, for someone who always talked big he would NEVER live up to it. For example, he would want to play front row so he'd ask to switch, I'd say yes, but then he wouldn't switch back. And he was swing straight into the net, because even though I feel bad for saying this, he is 5'3 with no hops. Of course short people can still play front row, I'm not much taller than him. But he doesn't exactly have a good vertical jump. He had a big ego problem, he was not capable of playing for fun: get mad, give you dirty looks, but mainly stay completely silent with a big fat frown on his face. But tying it back to instagram: This guy was chronically on instagram! I think he had to have had 5 hours on the app DAILY! Anytime you saw an instagram reel he'd probably have already liked it. He'd repost a fuck ton of stuff, and post on his stories oh god his stories were so bad. "We won the tourney and our entire team slept at 5 and was hungover lmaooo" <-- Something he actually posted. I could go on and on but maybe I'll save it for next time.

I guess I have been watching more youtube, but I always liked doing that anyways. Overall still a net positive. With less things to do on my phone there is less reason to use it. I am playing more games recently, completely addicted to Smash Ultimate. I've actually been playing more and more since around october of last year. With my friends we would go and play on his switch. I don't have a switch, so I use an Emulator on my computer and connect my roommates ps4 controller to play. Cost me 0 dollars to play, fuck u nintendo. Playing through the new Planarcadia on hsr is nice too, and playing puella magi madoka magica on my psp.. 

Some other things I think I wanted to journal about is AI. So today in class during a engineering lab class, the lab was stupidly made. It was a matlab lab, they told us about how AI is a useful tool, and basically told us to use google gemini, copy and paste the code we were provided and ask AI "what does this code do"? and then made us write a short paragraph about what the AI told us the code did, then they warned us and said "don't use AI to generate your code and stuff use it as a good tool" and that if you use AI make sure to put it in the appendix. 

Ok sure whatever, but then they just threw us into the second part of the lab which was basically more time wasting: Explain what this code does, then do the code. I thought it was stupid because why did they even make me waste my time using AI and writing the first part of that lab. I actually spent more time writing explanations than actually working on the code, than coding itself. I didn't even need to use the AI, since I know matlab code pretty well. But even if I didn't why not just throw us into the second part of the lab, and then just teach us... what the code did? Plus, it's mainly retards who rely on AI so much, they're gonna use AI to code, they’re gonna fail and not get far at all, just like how they’re gonna fail in life. I hate those who use AI for everything because you already know just from how they use it they are so incompetent, lazy, and uninspired. 

But with AI I have different views about it too. I get annoyed when people are just vehemently anti-AI and they get all their information from tiktok. For example, my university announced it was building an AI research center. Keyword, research, because it's not a data center. But all the comments on LinkedIn, instagram, and reddit was just brainless college students saying "oh great water and energy prices going up, wow you guys so evil, evil capitalism". And the funny thing is, if they just using their eyes and read, they would've been able to see it was a research center dedicated to learning about the "ethics, morals, and safety of using AI." So it was literally stuff they probably would've agreed with anyways. But who am I to expect American university students to be able to read.

Additionally I was browsing the neocities reddit one day when I've been seeing some conversation about AI. One was someone who used AI images on their site, got called out for it, then deleted their site (AI images are incredibly gross, but this person got kind of witchhunted but whatever it's not my business) what did pique my interest though was a post about someone asking whether it's ok to use AI to learn HTML. It turns out they were someone who was very inexperienced in anything computer related. Many comments were of the mild side, saying don't generate your entire page using AI because that's cringe, and I agree with that. But some people said you shouldn't use AI at all and never. My input is that AI is ok to use if you are confused and want to ask "What does this line of code do?" But never use it to create images, or create your entire website. I think all people who want to learn HTML can start with W3schools and the other resources there are in the world. But AI is awful at creating but it is good at answering questions. 

Anyhow, I'm gonna write a part 2 of this later

I am incapable of love

Since today is valentines

I do not think I have ever felt love, it is not that I am asexual or whatever the term is, because I surely do crave romantic intimacy. Of course I feel familial love all the time. I feel happy when I’m with my family. But I will admit that even with my family I feel a degree of emotional fatigue from myself, where I believe I am merely pretending to be happy and loving near my family, meanwhile I’d rather wallow in my emotions alone on my bed. It’s a shameful intrusive thought that I have never been able to shake off since I was a child. I can’t remember the last time I felt love or loved someone (of course this is including the exception of my family, I already expressed how I love them dearly but cannot explain a certain anxiety). I’ve never dated, I’ve always been terrified of it. But I crave warmth and human touch or some sort of touch or just kindness and affection in general. I’ve never confessed to a girl before. I think it’s because I’m hiding, if I never get rejected, I’ll never feel ugly. It doesn’t work though, I feel ugly every day. I’ve had crushes before. Girls I found cute. I never ever did anything about it. What am I looking for? The perfect soulmate? I really have no clue. But I really want to badly. Every year since I was 13 (since that’s when teenagers start thinking about love) every time valentines rolls around I feel a very big hole in my chest. And eventually that hole does not just exist on February 14th. I am unsure whether I am capable of love. I do very much desire it, but I have always been so so scared. I’ve never asked anyone out, never confessed to anyone. One time in middle school a girl I knew from school confessed to me on discord, and I didn’t know how to react so I ignored her message for hours until she rolled it back and said “SIKE”

  

So in the past I lied. Told myself I don’t want a relationship. I said , next year when I’m more confident, comfortable, mature. Next year when something changes. I’ve been saying that for years now. In fact, I think I’ve been saying that since I was an elementary school child. I believe that I cling on to an idealized princely form of love and that contributes to my inability to feel it. I am not my ideal and I am incapable of reaching that ideal, so I am unwilling to love until a prince(ss) will come sweep me up on my feet. I am unable to love myself, therefore I am unable to even dare consider the possibility of tainting the beautiful Cinderella fairy tale I created for myself. I am not Cinderella, so I am unfit for love. It is true I only want to find someone who will be comfortable with me. Unfortunately I very much desire touch and warmth. On many days I fall asleep dreaming there will be someone who can hold me with true care. Even if platonic, I still want true warmth. I have not had a true friend who would truly accept me for everything I am. But the only person to blame for that is me. I am too many things at once, an amalgamation of people, interests, ideologies, strong emotions, and discontentedness. In many of my diary entries, I frequently revisit an "ideal." This ideal is inspired by the one psychology class I took in my senior year of high school. One unit talked about the different studies of Psychology. I forgot a bunch of shit from this class, but still remember "Humanistic Psychology" and the idea of self-actualization, which is that humans spend their entire lives trying to become their "ideal self."

I am a very greedy person. I don't think I would stop until I know everything I want to know. It is torturous that my dream shows me impossible images crafted into a creepy, incorrect peace and I will never be able to experience it. My dreams and filled with places I have never been and times I could have never experience but once the scene has been set, the seed has been sowed. I don't think I will ever stop until I can see those places in my dreams. If death came and gave me the opportunity to be everywhere, know everything, and experience the things I could have never experience, whether it's purely magical and fantastical or just a bygone era, it would be very difficult for me to turn down the allure of death. I think this may be a prime reason why I am incapable of love. I desire impossible things like to experience the dreamscape in my reality. This is an incredible hurdle that thinking about stresses me out. So I won't think about it, and right now I can think about love. 

When it comes to love, I real a lot of stories about it. I always wonder what it feels like. I wonder whether it does fill the hole in your heart and bring you something to look forward to it. I haven't crushed on anyone since 2 years ago. Perhaps some people find that the chase of love is the most exciting part. I can't say, because I seem to think I lack one of the most human features there are. I likely don't, I'm probably capable of love. I wonder if I'll be ok like this I’m just a normal teenager ranting about teenage things like how lonely I am. It’s not anything deeper than that. Then why does it feel so excruciating. It’s so easy for everyone else. It’s just normal for everyone else. Everyone has their love stories. It’s just a simple part of life for them. A romantic story like none that has come before. I’m jealous.