4 months ago, I successfully disconnected my website, blog, and this part of my online presence from anything of me irl. I covered up for my past mistakes. I changed my website url, this blogger url, guestbook, etc. I’d assume I’ll be findable to those who want to find me, no matter how hard I try to hide. I talk too much about stuff here that would paint an image that is far too different from what people I know on the outside world sees me as. It kind of makes me cringe thinking about the possibility some people I know irl read my blogs or looked at my website, now. I used to be super excited about making my neocities and told many irls all about it, sending them the url.
I wrote about making the very intelligent decision to remove my neocities from my discord bio in my blog archives from a year ago here. Even though I removed it from my discord bio, there’s one particular person who kept the link. I was very close with her from 2024 to 2025. When I made my neocities I was telling her all about it during the process and asking her opinions on what I should make and add. She was similarly really into that old internet stuff, but she saw it more as an aesthetic and kind of had a Pinterest/tiktok understanding of the old internet. Like “woaw frutiger aero, the future we were promised but never got” type thing.
That’s besides the point, and she kept up with my blogs, and talked to me about them. However, around third quarter 2025 we drifted apart, and honestly, it was my decision. It’s gonna be weird saying this after I just said I chose to drift away on purpose, but I felt kind of abandoned. I had to be everyone’s therapist, and I was constantly helping her out. At the time, since I was so many people’s discord therapists, I thought maybe I had a knack for it, that I was the therapist GOAT. But in hindsight, and also me reading in between the lines of her messages, she definitely was not hearing what she wanted to hear from me. Without going into detail out of respect, she had insecurities, and I said stuff like “no, don’t look at those unrealistic expectations from the internet.” It wasn’t good enough. Among other private things, what I will disclose is that she once got mad at me over genshin impact, because a (ex) online friend of mine was making fun of her genshin impact builds. Note that I didn’t ask him to make fun of her builds. He just went and said “lol why r u using this set on kazuha” and laughed. so she added me to a group chat with her and her friends that I did not know and they all dogged on me.
Near the end of our close friendship I felt abandoned because I always let her rant to me about things, but every time I tried to reach out, I felt the response i received was cold. Additionally, when I started to “change” I was someone different now. Because I “changed” people started to think of me different. I held the “wrong” opinion for things. Now I was weird because I was open about myself. I still recall once she said yuri is weird because it’s fetishy or for the male gaze (she said as she held a yaoi in her hand, I’m not joking) this was back when I was a closeted avid yuri reader. I already felt really embarrassed about it.
She did reach one to me once after she stumbled back onto my blog around 8 months ago. It was my “intelligence is pseudo” rant post, she texted me on discord saying it was interesting to see what the inside of my head looked like. I talked to her a bit and I could tell she disagreed with my writing, which is fine, but I could also tell she didn’t approve of me anymore. The chances are, she doesn’t really remember my website or blog anymore. At least, she wasn’t as actively reading it, which is for the best. It’s not like she’s a bad person, she’s actually a pretty great person. I think she’s doing well for herself now. But maybe some people just don’t click.
